Dating and Marrige: the Good, the Bad, and the Touchy (Part 2)

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Continuing from Part 1 (previous post).

Now that I’ve explained my thoughts on dating and courtship it’s time for me to answer the rest of the assigned questions. Here we go!

What are the character traits you consider important in a spouse?

Loving, kind, humble, pure, honest, bold in his faith, hard-working, intelligent, trustworthy, supportive, good sense of humor (to be able to deal with my weird sense of humor), reliable, responsible, compassionate, patient (Lord help him, he’ll need a lot of patience with me), cheerful, optimistic, loves children, helpful, easygoing, reasonable, thoughtful.

That’s my list, at least what I can come up with right now. Wishful thinking? Maybe. Maybe that is unattainable in a person who is not Jesus. But maybe there’s a young man out there that fits the golden criteria. I have been praying for a while now that God would mold and prepare me now to fit my future husbands “golden criteria” for a wife.

How will you “find” a spouse?

This question strikes me as a little odd, because I have no idea how I’m going to “find” a spouse. When I was younger I kind of just expected to have really close family friends who we knew for ages and I would marry into it. But since I’m almost 17 and we still have no such friends with young men my age, I don’t think its going to happen that way anymore. I could be wrong though, I won’t know till it happens. I like this quote (I’m not sure who said it, and I tweaked it a lil):

“Run as fast as you can towards God, and if you find someone beside you, introduce yourself.”

I don’t think this means you can’t already know this person. I think it’s saying that, if you are following God’s will for your life He’ll bring the right person alongside you. Maybe doing the same mission work, fighting for the same cause, or writing on the same topic. Those are only 3 of numerous possibilities!

How will you know he/she is the one for you?

When his faith in and love for Christ is evident, he fits my “golden criteria,” and none of the people I love and trust oppose me having a relationship with him, I think those are good signs that he’s “the one.” I think from what I have read in the Bible I’ve learned that we can have high (but not hypocritical or unattainable) standards, but also that couples in the Bible didn’t have a lot of time to contemplate if he/she was “the one.” In the case of Rebekah and Isaac, God gave Abraham’s servant a sign, but Rebekah and Isaac didn’t ask for one. They were married the day they met and just trusted God that He wanted them to be together. Abigail married David after only speaking with and seeing him once, but she knew that David was a man of God and so she trusted God in her marriage. Maybe they didn’t feel a lightning bolt from God that this person was the person for them, I don’t know, but I’m not going to expect a lightning bolt revelation. I will be attentive to the Holy Spirit’s prodding, either to or away from prospective spouses. But I don’t think it’s ALWAYS so stark and clear.

What role will your parents have in this?

My parents will be the ones that 1. let me go out on dates (at least in the beginning) and 2. give me their own opinion on the guys I’m interested in and/or are interested in me. Also they will influence my convictions about restrictions in a dating relationship if necessary. They will be the ones guiding, preparing, and praying for me. They have a very important role in such a situation. Their thoughts and opinions can overrule mine, and I trust them with that, being the Godly people they are and also because of the 4th commandment to honor my father and mother.

This question was not asked but I think it’s an important one as well, which is:

What are your personal dating restrictions?

  • Avoid tempting situations such as kissing on the lips (“making out” in particular), being absolutely alone (not in a public place, without friends or family) for long periods of time, über lengthy hugs, etc., or whatever that may look like for us. This really depends on the couple so I’m not going to push this on anyone. God never commanded that we can’t kiss or hold hands before we’re married but I think He does give certain people different convictions on those sorts of things. Some people may feel comfortable giving sweet little on-the-lip kisses before they’re married, others might want to wait for their wedding day. I don’t want to get too deep into this though since there’s enough material for me to talk on this subject for several more blog posts.
  • No premarital sex. This is just a given. It’s commanded by God over and over again in both the Old and New Testaments, and if a guy EVER tries to convince me into sexual intimacy before we are married then I can take it as a sign first of all that his relationship with God is not right, and also that I am not worth it enough to him to wait for marriage for something that was made only for marriage.

In order to go on a first date with me he must:

  • Be a strong believer and follower of Christ
  • Respect my parents decisions about my dating relationships
  • Value and fight for my purity
  • Respect and encourage my personal dating restrictions (above)
  • Not be a desperate flirt (Theres a difference between constant and inappropriate flirting and innocent playfulness.)

 

So, what do my readers think? Are you going to go about it differently than I, or have your prayers, thoughts, research, and Bible-reading brought you to the same conclusions as mine have? Have any of you been in Godly dating relationships? Leave a comment!

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Face Toner 

I ❤️ essential oils. I really do. My family uses them every day, and this is one of my favorite ways to use them! So I decided to make a tutorial video for you all. I didn’t have enough of two ingredients with me but OH WELL YOU GUYS GET THE PICTURE. 😂 


Ingredients:

  • 10 drops Lemon essential oil 
  • 10 drops Lavender essential oil
  • 10 drops Frankincense essential oil
  • 1 tsp or so of Jojoba or Grapeseed oil 
  • Witch Hazel (enough to fill a small bottle) 

A face toner is generally used to improve your skin and reduce oiliness. This recipe my mom and I came up with does just that using a blend of Lemon, Lavender, and Frankincense essential oils. 

Lemon oil is cleansing to skin, has PH balancing and antibacterial properties, and it helps slough off dead skin cells (<<eww, that sounds NASTY). 

Lavender helps ease irritated and dry skin, inhibits bacteria that causes acne, and rebalances secretion of sebum (skin oils) which the bacteria thrives on. Plus it helps heal scar tissue.

Frankincense helps heal dry, itchy skin, scars, and acne. It helps get rid of wrinkles too! 

I Guess I’m Just Weird

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I guess I’m just weird.

A sore thumb.

An odd one out.

Not belonging in any sort of clique.

I’m a nerd, but you wouldn’t know it unless you set me on the right conversation path.
And even with the nerds, I don’t fit in a certain group.
My favorite comic book hero is Superman.
I love Star Wars and Star Trek.
I’ve never read Harry Potter.

I love to write, but I’ve never finished a project.
Never written “The End”.
Never said “Can you read my book?”
Never known my own characters as well as I should,
Even though they are the children of my own imagination.

I’m homeschooled, and yet I’ve never known a homeschool family quite like mine.
I am not completely cut off from the world.
I enjoy the good parts of our culture, including Pop culture.
I dress modestly, but I wear pants and shorts, and I try to keep up with the trends
And yet we’re still conservative.

I have my own fashion sense, I like to dress smartly and stylishly.
But I don’t always have the means to buy the wardrobe I want.
My outfits always feel somehow off to what my peers are wearing.
I do wear makeup, not to change my face but to enhance what beauty God has given me.
I’ve never met someone who dressed quite like me.

I love all things domestic, although this isn’t forced upon me.
I love the thought of being a housewife, a stay at home mom.
The thought of educating my own children excites me,
Much more that the thought of four extra years of educating myself in a university.
And yet my generation pines after college as if its the only option, and young people like me are considered as a waste of potential by the World.

I guess I’m just weird.

I don’t fit into a circle.

And you know what?

I think I’m okay with that.

Dating and Marrige: the Good, the Bad, and the Touchy (Part 1)

I use the My Fathers World curriculum for home school, and since I finished my Pride and Prejudice reading assignment my latest writing assignment is an essay explaining my personal beliefs on dating/courtship and marriage. Since this is a topic I’ve been interested in blogging about anyway, I thought I might as well just write it to you all!

These are the questions I am supposed to answer in my essay:

  1. What are your personal beliefs about dating/courtship and marriage?
  2. What are the character traits you consider important in a spouse?
  3. How will you “find” a spouse?
  4. How will you know he is the one for you?
  5. What role will your parents have in this?

Great questions aren’t they? I’ve wanted to fall in love, get married, and have a brood of children since, well, as long as I can remember. (I also wondered how people found anything besides the faces of others attractive till I was probably thirteen, so it was in no way, uh, inappropriate?) Consequently I’ve had a lot of thinking to do on the subject, and I’ve done my own research and “fact collecting” (like a good ISTJ 😂) about Bible-honoring romantic relationships and also about myself, and the kind of person who I want to marry some day.

Let’s tackle the first question, and arguably the most controversy-inducing question of them all. I’ve looked into courtship and dating and looked at the pros and cons of each. When I was around 14 the Duggar girls were first shown entering romantic relationships through this process called courting which, at that time, I had probably only heard mentioned in Victorian books. It seemed perfect. And yet watching it made me cringe. Everything about the whole process was awkward with a good many sweet moments thrown in, but mostly awkward. Ben Seewald and Derick Dillard approached Mr and Mrs Duggar to ask to “enter an official courtship” *shudder* with their daughters and just as well could have been asking to marry Jessa and Jill by how grave and nerve-wracking it was. I’m not trying to disrespect the Duggar family in any way, this is just the best example I can give of a flawed Christian courtship (even though it ended well).

Here’s my step by step breakdown of modern Christian courtship:

Step 1. Boy and girl meet, maybe on several occasions, and there’s some attraction on at least one part.

Step 2. Boy asks mother and father of girl if he has permission to enter a courtship with their daughter (aka: get to know her better with the end result being their marriage).

Step 3. If mom and dad permit it, the girl is then asked if she would like to enter a courtship with boy. If she complies, they begin an official courtship which is basically a betrothal.

Step 4. The rest of courtship is them getting to know each other before getting married, doing “real life” things together, not this floofy “fun” that less spiritual people speak of (sorry, I have to be a tad sarcastic).

Do you see any problems with this description above? It took me awhile but I finally figured it out. THE COMMITMENT AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP IS EQUIVALENT TO AN ENGAGEMENT. Do you see anything wrong with that? Let me explain myself: if you have just “come of age”, and never had any romantic relationships before, do you even know, truly, what you want in a spouse? I haven’t even had a full conversation with a peer of the opposite sex (besides cousins) since I was thirteen. What if you get several months into a courtship and find that, hey, he/she isn’t really what I want in a lifelong spouse? Breaking it off, from my research, has traumatized some similarly to the breaking off of an engagement, and left both participants in a state of discouragement and heartbreak. Another problem with this system is that Godly young men are left feeling worthless as fathers and mothers deny them the opportunity of getting to know their daughters better (because nobody is good enough for their princesses), and Godly young women start doubting themselves, wondering if they’re not good enough get any romantic inquiries.

This is why (along with a few other reasons) my family has decided we are not going the traditional courtship route once we kids are old enough. Does this mean we must resort to the worldly, sometimes fornication-included dating? Absolutely NOT!

Here are the three steps I’ve outlined, between “just friends” and “man and wife”, in a God-glorifying dating relationship:

Step 1) Dating: a time to determine through several dates if there’s any future with, more than likely, a couple different guys/girls. Casual, no set in stone commitments. Can be discontinued without huge emotional trauma or violently hurt feelings. Friendship status.

Step 2) “Going steady”: a time when you’ve dated one guy/girl consistently and have determined that you could have a future together. Not engaged, but marriage is definitely possible. Breaking it might be a bigger deal than just after the above friend type dates, although not devastating. Boyfriend and girlfriend status.

Step 3) Engaged: a time to plan for your wedding and broaden your relationship. Full faithfulness required.

Now, since this is so long already, I’m going to break it into at least two parts. Be sure to check back soon for the answers to the rest of the questions, and also dating restrictions and requirements I’ve written out for myself using Gods Word and what wisdom and discernment He has graciously granted me.

What do my readers think about the Dating -vs- Courtship controversy? Leave a (nice and respectful if you please) comment!